A Full Circle Moment – 10 years in the making.

A week ago my new employer told me that I will attend a week long training session to learn the systems and procedures of the company where I have only recently started working. It was an added bonus when they informed me that they would be flying me in to do it at our Head Office in Pretoria,the administrative capital of South Africa.

It was when we drove passed the private hospital in Centurion that I had a full circle moment.

I have been to this city only once before in my entire life: exactly ten years ago.

I was 21 and desperate to die. I almost did, that very week. I remember how tremendously lonely I felt. It was as if I woke up one day and hope was gone, replaced by such a strong desire to die. Ironically it was the knowledge of certain death looming that gave me the strength to put my mask on everyday and act my part.

It was during my time in this hospital, that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.For the ¬†first time in my life, my life made sense. Don’t get me wrong now, after the diagnosis, my life was still fucked up in every way imaginable and every area imaginable, but at least it made sense.There was now, at least, understanding.

And so I built from there, and destroyed, and built, and destroyed,, and built.

Today,driving pass that hospital, my heart cried out for the boy I was then. My spirit,however, is grateful to the boy I was then, for without him I would not be where I am now: embarking on a journey to become the very best version of myself. Led by Grace

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I believe

I believe that what I envision for myself pales in comparison to what God has in store for me. I believe in miracles. I believe inspiration comes when you are in alignment with the Creator. I believe that you cannot be unhappy and grateful at the same time, nor can you be fearful and faithful at the same time. I believe in me. I believe in God. I believe that my reality today is my dream of yesterday and so today’s dreams will realise tomorrow. I believe in desire as a prerequisite to success. I believe in miracles,me and God.

Imagine – Allan

Imagine your mothers eyes
smiling
her baby
precious infant child
a smile
a twinkle in her eye
joy on her face
her shoulders broad
her back straight
ready for the challenge
acceptance of your dependence filling every void
exceeding every need
her heart content
in the wonder of you
her precious infant child.
Imagine your mothers eyes
filled with joy and sorrow
bitter sweet
my son is seeking
his own retreat
to stand on his own two feet
to test the waters
both clear blue sea
and murky river water
covering mud engulfing

Imagine your mothers eyes
crying
her grown up baby
precious infant child
the quiver of her mouth
a tear in her eye
shoulders hunched
knees bent
prayer
strenght
chastised by why-
her beloved boy
now must die

and

as she struggles to remember…

yet…

tries to forget…

a black halo crowns your head

Untitled – allan emile maasdorp

Dreams broken hopes dashed promise obscured glutton feed
on a feast of greed.

self mutilate
self medicate
self denied
self belied

Gluttonous feeding
deceit breeding

Joyful sorrow
dreams are dead
road remains ahead
Feeding frenzy
foe and friend
fierce and feisty
fighting
killing faith

Pride comes to a fall
eyes wide open
fast asleep
living yet not alive

Contented dissapointment accepted failure
glorified excuses
seeking love
embracing hate
unreal
untrue

loyal to addiction
deceiving prevention

tomorrow
the cure
never comes
until the last today

Mediocrity killed the cat

Laugh louder,
cry harder.
Love obsessively,
hate with a vengeance.
Eat with gusto.
Demand, dont ask.
Bet it all.
Nothing ventured,
nothing gained.
Dont be mediocre.
If you cant live, die.
Complain loudly.
Love softly.
Feed your desire.
Embrace your faults.
Take the lead.
Be submissive.
Scream.
Whisper.
Don’t be mediocre.
If you cant live, die.
Don’t be happy,
be ecstatic.
Dont be sad,
be depressed.
Go all out.
Stay home.
Jump high.
Fall hard.
Dont be mediocre.
If you cant live, die.
Be a billionare.
Stay broke.
Plan every detail.
Live on impulse.
Live in a castle
or a card board box.
Love me.
Hate me.
Dont be mediocre.
If you cant live, die.
No half measures,
no grey area,
pitch black
and snow white.
No getting caught
between a rock
and a hard place.
Dont hit, kill.
Dont defend,die.
All or nothing
or nothing at all.
Always remember,
mediocrity killed the cat.

If I could turn back time.

If I could turn back time.
I would start at the end, not the beginning.
I’ll be old and wise, not young and foolish.
I would learn my lessons, before I make my mistakes
I will be content in just being,not rebel against all that is.
I’ll laugh, just because.
Never cry for spilt milk.
Even old age drool preferable to being cool.
I’ll surround myself with angels not demons.
I’ll stroll, not run.
Compliment, not complain.
Be grateful, not greedy.
Be at peace, not in pieces.
I’ll love with all my heart, not fearing rejection.
Not know failure, have a different measure for success.
No regrets, no what if only what is.
I’ll sing out of tune.
Dance like no ones watching.
I’ll stand in the rain.
I’ll sleep in and stay up late.
I’ll help the tortoise cross the road.
I’ll ask how are you and mean it.
I’ll sit and watch the butterflies, not chase the wind.
I wont just accept, Ill always bargain,
never just what is but also what could be.
I’ll still be me, only old and wiser not young and foolish.

I believe

I believe that what I envision for myself pales in comparison to what God has in store for me. I believe in miracles. I believe inspiration comes when you are in alignment with the Creator. I believe that you cannot be unhappy and grateful at the same time, nor can you be fearful and faithful at the same time. I believe in me. I believe in God. I believe that my reality today is my dream of yesterday and so today’s dreams will realise tomorrow. I believe in desire as a prerequisite to success. I believe in miracles,me and God.

Living life purposefully present. My Manifesto

I am no less, yet no more than any other being on this earth. That I am equal does not diminish me in any way. That I serve does not take away from me. My strength is the loss of my ego. I only have that which I allow others to have. To love a stranger as my brother and to love my brother as myself. To be amazed by me, yet find mercy in the mastery of myself. To give. On my knees, the only pose that even begins to describe my gratefulness. Grateful not for what I have received,after all, I’ve always had it all,but rather a profound thankfulness that I could give it away.
I am love, divine love, so much love that this human heart can contain it not. It can not deplete for to give in tenfold is to receive in hundredfold…
I am a step up. The betterment of your being. The cheerleader of your success. Your biggest fan. Your greatest love. Your best friend forever ever. Your parental guidance. Your brotherly acceptance.I am friend,lover, cousin, brother, son, colleague, acquaintance, priest, sinner, saint…but above all this… I am, because you are.